Tanjeev’s Blog

Another random blog

Awesome Jokes

Dumb Chickens

Dumb Chickens

 

Animal Jokes

How does a farmer count a herd of cows?

-With a Cowculator

What’s a cow’s favorite moosical note?

-Beef-flat

Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?

-Too many cheetahs

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
 
-Mice Krispies

What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?

-A Golden Receiver!

What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?

-Rough! Rough!

A duck walks into a Store and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The guy says, “No, I am sorry, we have cherries and olives but no grapes.” “Oh,” says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same guy, “Do you have any grapes?” “Like I said before, we have cherries and olives, but WE DON’T HAVE GRAPES!” says the guy. “Oh,” says the duck and leaves. But ten minutes later the duck returns and again asks, “Do you have any grapes?” “Look, beak lips,” screams the guy. “WE HAVE NO GRAPES!, we will never have NO grapes! and if you ask me again, I am going to nail your webby little feet to the floor!!!” “Oh,” says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later, the door swings open and the duck returns. The bartender guy furious. He slams a bottle of orange juice down, stares menacingly at the duck and screams, “WHAT???!!” “Uh…uh…do …you …have…any….NAILS?” “Nails? Nails? No, we don’t have nails,” answers the bartender. “Mmmm,” says the duck. “So, do you have any grapes?”

Knock Knock Jokes

 

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Dwayne.

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning!

Knock knock! 

Who’s there?

Max.

Max who?

Max no difference to you, just let me in!

 

Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Ya

Ya who?

What are you getting so excited about?

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Vera

Vera Who?

Vera few people think these jokes are funny!

Animal Crackers

What happens when you cross a cat and a fish

-You get a purr-anha

How do you make a snake cry

-You take away its rattle

Where shouldn’t a dog go shopping

-A flea market!

What do you get when you cross a skunk with a teddy bear

-Winnie the PYEW!

What do call a bear with no teeth

-A gummy bear

What’s a fishes worst day

-Friday

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus

-Can I hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand

What does a triceratops site on

-A tricera-bottom

Why does a frog sit on the outfield

-So he won’t miss a fly

What do you if a rhino charges you

-Take away his credit card

Why aren’t fish good tennis players

-Because they don’t like getting too close to the net

Why do fish live in salt water

-Because pepper make them sneeze

What is a snake’s favorite subject

-Hiss-story 

A Real Hoot

Birdie Birdie in the sky

Dropped some yucky stuff in my eye

I’m too big to whine or cry

I’s just glad that cows don’t fly

 

Monster Madness

What do monsters make with traffic

-Traffic jam

What did godzilla drive

-A monster truck

Monster 1- Am I late for dinner

Monster 2- Yes, everyone has been eaten

Why did the monster eat the north pole

-He was in the mood for a frozen dinner

Why are dragons bad bosses

-Because they keep firing people

What is the best day in the week for a monster

-Chewsday

Igor- How was the science fiction movie you saw last night.

Dr. Frankenstein- Oh the same old story- Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy builds new girl

What did bigfoot grow in his garden

-Sas-squash

What watery creature never learned to tell time

-The clock-less monster

Where do monsters go on vacation

-Death Valley

Monster- How much are those kittens

Clerk- They’re 12$ a piece

Monster- Ok I’ll have a piece of the black one and a piece of the orange one.

Creepy Crawly

 Why did the spider bring the laptop to the beach

-So he could surf the web

What do you call a fly with out wings

-A walk

Why are spiders good at baseball

-They know how to catch flies.

Why was the father centipede so upset

-All of the kids needed new shoes.

What do you call a snail on a boat

-A snailer

What’s more dangerous than fooling with a bee

-Being with a fool

What did one bee say to the other bee

-Swarm out here, isn’t it.

What is worse than an alligator with a toothache

-A centipede with an athletes foot.

Why are mosquitos religious

-They prey on you

How do you make a butterfly

-Throw butter

What’s the biggest moth in the world

-A mammoth

What do you call a quiet bee

-A mumble bee

What is the definition of a slug

-A snail with a housing problem

What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant

-I’m not sure but if you see one, run before the ceiling collapses.

What’s the healthiest insect

-A vitamin bee

What do bees do with their honey

-They cell it.

What goes snap, crackle, and pop

-A firefly with a short circuit

Which fly makes films

-Stephen Speilbug

What is the difference between a flea-bitten dog and a bored visitor

-Onces going to itch, and the other is itching to go.

 

A Real Scream

When do ghosts usually appear

-Just before someone screams

What room didn’t the ghost dare to go into

-The living room

Did you hear about the dumb ghost

-Yah, he climbed over the wall

What do you get when you mix a cow and a ghost

-Vanishing Cream

Why can’t the invisible boy pass school

-The teacher always marks him absent

What does a ghost miss most when it moves out of town

-All of its possessions

What do ghosts like on their turkey

-Grave-y

What do you call ghosts that fly over the bay

-Sea-ghouls

knock knock

who’s there

Ghost

Ghost who

Ghost to show you, nobody remembers my name

What do you call a ghost’s mother and father

-Transparents

What does a ghost do when he get’s in a car

-Puts his sheet belt on

What do you call a ghost with a bell

-A dead ringer

What does a mother ghost say to her son

-Don’t spook until you’re spooken to

What kinds of jewels do ghouls wear

-Tombstones

How is a ghoul like an apple

-They’re both rotten to the core

Deadly Funny

 

What’s a mummy’s favorite kind of music

-Wrap

What happened when the ice monster got angry with the zombie

-He gave him the cold shoulder

Should I tell you the story of the body snatcher

-No, I’d better not, you might get carried away

What do you do when 50 zombies zurround your house

-Hope it’s halloween

Why didn’t the zombie look for food in the trash

-Because he thought it was a waste of time.

What did the zombie get a medal for

-Deadication

Outta This World

What is a martian’s normal eyesight

-20/20/20/20/20

What kind of ticks do you find on the moon

-Luna-ticks

What do aliens do after they get married

-They go on a honeyearth

What kind of music do aliens listen to

-Neptunes

What do you call an overweight E.T.

-An extra cholesterol

Do androids have sisters

-No, just transistors

Rib Ticklers

Why do Skeletons make bad liars

-Because you can see right through them

Where do skeletons swim

-In the dead sea

What did the skeleton order at the restaurant

-Spare ribs

Why did the skeleton lose the race

-His heart wasn’t in it

Why did all the food quickly disappear in the halloween party

-Because everyone was a goblin

Hilarious Animal Factoids

A crocodile can’t stick out its tongue

A lion’s roar can be heard up to five miles away

A giraffe’s heart weighs about 25 pounds

The african elephant’s ears weigh more than 100 pounds each

Elephan’t have been known to remain standing after they die

The elephant is the only animal with 4 knees

A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in one night

A shark will die after it touches the bottom of the ocean

A 4 foot child can fit inside a hippo’s wide-open mouth

Elephant’s are the only animals that can’t jump

Slugs have 4 noses

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can’t find any food

Over 1000 bird die a year from smashing into windows

A goldfish has an attention span of 3 seconds

Beavers canv hold their breath for up to 45 minutes

A bee has 5 eyes

Giraffes have no vocal cords

No two lions have the same whisker patterns

Flamingos turn pink from eating shrimp

Frogs swallow with their eyes closed

Cats have more than 100 vocal cords

A humming bird weighs less than a penny

Shrimp can only swim backwards

Fish cough

A catfish has over 27000 taste buds

A flea can jump 350 times its body length

Snakes can see through their eyelids

Butterflies taste with their feet

Armadillos can be house trained

Bats can eat 3000 mosquitos in one night

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain

A jellyfish is 95% water

Starfish don’t have brains

Rabbits and guinea pigs don’t sweat

Rats and horses can’t vomit

Koalas get fluids from eacalyptus leaves so they don’t drink water

The female lion does more than 90% of the hunting while the male lion prefers to rest

Porcupines float on water

Camels have three eyelids

Pink Dolphins live in the amazon river

Dolphins can swim and sleep at the same time

A dolphin can kill a shark by ramming it with its snout

Denmark has more pigs than humans

Deer can not eat hay

Rabbits can suffer from heatstroke

Giraffes are un able to cough

Sharks can sense a drop of blood 2.5 miles away

Sharks can survive for 6 weeks with out eating

Sharks can live up to 100 years

The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes

Most bullets can not penetrate a hippo’s thick skin

A pig always sleeps on it’s right side

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world

Snakes don’t bite in rivers or swamps or else they would drown

The african rock python can survive for 2 years with out eating

Spotted skunks do handstands before spraying

Human’s can detect a skunk’s spray a mile away

 Dark Comedy

If we breathe oxygen in the day time, what do we breathe at night

-Nitrogen

Doctor Doctor I have trouble sleeping in my bed at night

-Then sleep in the daytime

How can you go without sleep for seven days and not be tired

-Sleep at night

I’ve been on my computer all night

-Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else

How does the moon cut his hair

-E-clips it

What fish only swims at night

-A star fish

What game do cats play at night

-Trivial purr-suit

What is farther away, Australia or the moon

-Australia, you can see the moon at night

What’s big and bright and silly

-A fool moon

When is the moon the heaviest

-When it’s full

Which stars go to jail

-Shooting stars

Why can’t it rain for 2 nights in a row

-Because there’s a day in between

Why did your brother go to night school

-Becuase he wanted to learn to read in the dark

 

 

 

 

 


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